me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
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Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
A friend sent me this.
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed