[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
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[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
Me: I鈥檓 going to shower
6: you鈥檙e beautiful! You don鈥檛 need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
Proofread twice, hang posters once
I鈥檝e watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who鈥檚 on it!
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it鈥檚 gone though my brita filter that i haven鈥檛 changed in 5 years
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 馃檪
ramses: oh you son of a-
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won鈥檛 satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
This is a sub tweet
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
Girlfriend: Why can鈥檛 you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again