Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
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Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
Cat.
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛