You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
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me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.
1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]