[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
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It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
*6yo sneezes*
Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?
6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
Nothing makes me get up faster than my 6yo walking by me with a bottle of Elmer’s glue.
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree