No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
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Love this guy
Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.