*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
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When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
selena gomez
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…