me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
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As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
Oh yeah that’s it
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
“A little help here, Danny?”
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”