[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
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In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
Therapist: How are you feeling?
Me: Rage
Therapist: What is bringing you rage?
Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.
8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?