How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
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when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
I’m sure it’s fine.