*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
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Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
This checks out
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin