if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
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Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
Xylophonist Shredding It
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.
[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
That took me a moment.