remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
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Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE