Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
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I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
Yep.
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?
About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago