[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
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Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
and this one
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.
Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here
therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?
me: haha right on, cya guys
wife: wha-
therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking