If you need a laugh.. 😅
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so this horse walks into a bar
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
happy valentine’s day to me
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
i’m laughing very hard in real life
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.