I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
You Might Also Like
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
Miscakes
Not messing around
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.