This made me smile…
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I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.