Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
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When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what