Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
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You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
😎
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
WTF IS THAT!
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.