My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
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$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”