I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
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My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
Saint West, the patron of selfies
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.
Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.
Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?
Date: I’m sorry… what?
Me: Worse rooster shear?
Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
A duv-egg? In this economy?
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
#damn
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.