[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD
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If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
Do not go gentle into that good night,
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.