[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
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I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next
Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
and this one
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
My current situation
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why