“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
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dog: i have to pee
me: for real?
dog: yeah i gotta go
me: alright *lets dog out*
dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*
me: *lets dog back in*
[5 minutes later]
dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this
me: you have to pee
dog: i have to pee lol
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.