gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
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[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
A warning to all – be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many, not a good idea & knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before…
Driving in Europe vs Canada
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.