If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
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“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
My inexpensive home security system…
Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
Continental cheese: We used a process unchanged for 600 years and aged it in a cave for two years
British cheese: We briefly scared a cow
American cheese: We fed some descriptions of cheese into an AI engine