Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
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i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
u guys got any snacks onboard here
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
Walking in the woods, 4-year-old asked if I would carry her armful of rocks. I said no. She asked if I would carry her sweatshirt. I said yes. She handed me her sweatshirt (filled with rocks).
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.