teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
You Might Also Like
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
waiting for halloween be like:
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.