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My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
Me: “At last, sunny weather! Time to go outside and develop a healthy glow!”
Pollen: “I’m going to make you look like you’ve been pepper sprayed”
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
The legends speak of a third Duran…