DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
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interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
I feel like one of these would kill a European
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”