if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
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The “baby” on the left….
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
bugs when you lift up a rock
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.