As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
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What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
My hips? Compulsive liars.