Just a reminder, folks:
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[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
Love is in the air fryer.
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults