Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
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Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?
MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…
GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee
“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts
Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!