They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
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This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
New Tinder profile.
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big
My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.