Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
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[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
MARIE KONDO: does this empty box spark joy?
ME: yes
MK: and this old iPhone 4 box?
ME: yes
MK: and allll of these Amazon boxes? do they spark joy too?
ME: yes
MK: and this other one over here with all of these smaller boxes inside it?
ME: yes
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
Des Moines Police having a normal one
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
#oldknees
him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar
Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)