The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
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My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
I had to Stop for this
Bootstraps
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.