No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
You Might Also Like
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!