I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
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Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
Leonardo DiCaprisun
it was a valiant fight
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.
My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough