If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
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Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower