Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
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I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
the composer
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*