*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
You Might Also Like
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
Did a trash talking tree write this?
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.