Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
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Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
sistine chapel
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class