Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
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My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
We’re all getting idioter.
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
Pretty certain I can more drunk
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.