Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
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“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said