Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
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I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil