did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
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Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
“There’s no butter left”
“I don’t understand”
“I turned it into ghee”
“OK, thanks for clarifying”
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today