I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
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jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
is it earth
6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.
6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.
Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.
6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..