Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
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Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
My 6yo is upset with my wife and I and promised to never talk to us ever again because we were both ignoring her as she was talking to us. At 6AM. While we were both still sleeping.
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”